The name is Freeze. Learn it well.

So, I’d like to start off my first post of the year by simply recognizing the ridiculous state of our local governments.  As I type this, I’ve got two state sales tax auditors sitting across the table scouring my accounting software.  And for what?  Not so that they can verify we “collect” sales tax, but to verify that we “pay” sales tax.  Hmm, that’s somewhat offputting.  

Now, these ladies are pleasant people.  It’s not their fault they have this unenviable profession.  Matthew was a publican, if memory serves, and he wrote a pretty good book in the bible, so they’re not beyond redemption.  Of course, various traditions hold that Matty was either crucified, beheaded, or burned to death.  Whether this was for being a Christian or for being a tax collector is not recorded, so I’ll not speculate further.  It’s just the general ridiculousness of it all.  By the time you’ve decided to audit Halo Applications, you’ve admitted that your money management is so grossly negligent that you’ve got to grasp at every dollar that flutters through the state.

About three years ago we were audited by the yahoos at the Metro Revenue Commission. Again, they’re a glorious bunch of pleasant incompetents, but they were on our trail for 4 months before returning a verdict that we owed a sum of money for insufficiently withholding taxes for two freelances we had hired the year previous.  Both freelancers did the same type of work, for the same client.   When I explained to the office what a freelancer was, they asked “Did they pay taxes?”  My response was, “I don’t know.  Ask them.  I’m not responsible for everybody else paying taxes.”  So, after about 30 minutes of round and round, I said, “Cut to the chase, what do we owe?”  The response, “$42.”  I said, “OK, great.  I’m still not paying it, because you’re wrong.”  At that point, the auditor said, “You’re right.  You only owe taxes on one of your freelancers.”  I said, “Great, but can you tell me why I would owe on one and not the other when they did the same work. I’m not paying for either.”  After a few more minutes, he relented and admitted we owed nothing.  Whether he agreed with me, or finally realized that he’d spent four months of his life chasing $42 was never fully explained.  It also took them 3 years to understand that it was possible to have a company, located in Louisville, that had most of its employees that lived in Indiana or surrounding counties.  “MEEP-ZORP.  Does not compute.  Does not compute.”  Look, we provide CRM software and Learning Management Solutions, we can do that from anywhere.

But, back to today.  I understand we need to collect and pay taxes.  It’s our responsibility. I can understand an audit to see if we’re collecting responsibly.  That’s fair, albeit a pain in the butt.  But, to demand that I prove that I paid taxes on a 12 pack of BIC pens in 2010 seems a little much.  And if I can’t prove it, guess what, I’ll have to pay it again.  If this were any other organization demanding that we prove our innocence, we’d call it a shakedown.  I had a client tell me last week that the state demanded that he prove he paid tax on a box of toilet paper he bought from the office supply store.  Nice.  Pay your protection money, and maybe we’ll leave you alone.

I will have the last laugh though.  I’ve turned the heat off in the building today.  I hear it's supposed to reach -25 on the windchill.  The runny noses across the table are only fueling my resolve to execute my insidious plan .  “The name is Freeze, learn it well, for it is the chilling sound of your Doom.”